Secret Intentions
by Commonfangirl
Summary: Sebastian lives. Kathryn is defeated and away from reality. While trying to seek answers about her past, she finds buried memories that make her want to go back home. The only question is: is it because she wants to get revenge or is it to show everyone that she, indeed, has a heart?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi everyone. I know that this story may not get that many hits, mainly because i believe the Cruel Intentions fandom is not very active in plain 2019, wow, first time I ever even wrote the year. Also, this starting chapter includes various sensitive topics for some people, so beforehand I would like to warn you all.**

 **I started writing fanfics for this site I believe three years ago, and since then i like to think my writing and idea developing skills have improved. I hope you really enjoy this. :)**

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It was difficult to even think about the happenings herself, but she had been forced, by everyone, to talk about it too. And this, talk to someone whom she didn't know, and could hardly ever trust. She wasn't mad, no, she understood why her mother wanted her to attend a rehab in the first place. After all, walking around with coke on you all day couldn't be the description of healthy. But she didn't need any kind of rehabilitation, not really, she could stop when she wanted to. That's what she told herself, at least.

"How's Sebastian?" She asked her mother over the phone every week. The one and only phone call she got in seven days, and all she wanted to talk about was her step-brother.

"Recovering." Was her mother's one and only answer. "You should try to do so yourself."

Kathryn knew Tiffany couldn't possibly be worried about her only child's well-being, any more than she worried about her image. She knew Tiffany wanted to be seen as the perfect mother. The one who supported her daughter in spite of her drug addiction.

"I'm recovered." Kathryn would claim in that angelic voice of hers. "I just want to come home."

"Kathryn, even when you are _truly_ rehabilitated, you're not coming back to New York." Her mother said, with such ease.

"What are you talking about?" She heard her mother clear her throat.

"Your step-father and I decided that Sebastian and you shouldn't live in such close quarters anymore, after all, that journal of his did describe some disgusting images." She could almost see Tiffany smile. "I assure you, Kathryn, that you'll only see Sebastian Valmont's face at Christmas parties ever again. And that's it."

She hanged up the phone, not wanting to hear her mother's threats anymore. She was done. The only purpose she had for getting better was seeing Sebastian walk and talk again. The last time she had seen him, he was...well, damaged. And she had realized it had all been her fault. If only she had been a bit less devilish, maybe nothing bad would've happened. But then she remembered, she had wished Sebastian was dead by the time he left her room that one last time.

When she left for rehab upstate, he was in an induced coma. Still, she had said goodbye to him, pretty sure he could hear her apologize. It was nerve wracking to see their parents standing outside the door, as if checking for any other damage she could do to him. Truth was, all she wanted to hear was his voice saying that he understood, that he still understood her. She wanted to hear that he was still just like her: dark and twisted. But she had left his hospital room with the whole knowledge that those words wouldn't come out of his mouth, ever. He was another man, Kathryn just didn't want to admit it. She had lost him.

Annette had dissolved the containing's of his journal shortly after the accident; she wanted to make sure Kathryn ended up thoroughly exposed and as hurt as Sebastian had looked to be. Needless to say, Annette succeeded. Kathryn was kicked out of Manchester Prep and her parents found her stash both in her crucifix and her room. Nathaniel Valmont had suggested they admit her to a very private rehab program away from the city, Tiffany agreed and Kathryn was on her way, leaving everything that remotely mattered to her behind.

The past few months hadn't been easy on her, nothing had really. She had gone through withdrawal and a painful detoxing process just last month and she felt like her insides were melting. She couldn't talk to anybody, not yet. And most times she found herself thinking about death and how it sounded much more appealing to what she was experiencing currently. And that call she had just ended, it made it for her. Why would she even want to get better when the one person she truly cared about was never going to be in her life again?

Two days later they found her with her wrists slashed by a piece of smashed mirror. She hadn't been on suicide watch, so they didn't take those precautions on Kathryn.

She awoke, a true miracle. She felt weakened, she couldn't even kill herself. Kathryn felt defeated, nothing made sense anymore, she didn't have anything to live for. Her whole life had been shattered away and all because of the venom she lived by. All because of her inability to live a normal life.

Twelve hours later her mother appeared by the side of her hospital bed. Kathryn had to admit that she was impressed. She didn't expect Tiffany to care enough to drive all the way up here. Not that she had to do the driving herself.

"What were you thinking?" She didn't let her answer. "Are you that sick, Kathryn?"

"I think, yes." She replied in all honesty. Her mother seemed to ignore her last statement.

"Why are you so selfish? You are more than aware that this family can't take another tragedy after what happened to Sebastian. And now you? Trying to commit suicide like the weak, self-centered brat that you are." Kathryn was actually sad that nobody was in there with them listening to what her mother had to say. If there were, anybody around, they would surely throw Tiffany inside psychiatric cell too.

" _Why_ did you come here?"

"Honestly, I wanted to see if it was true. I just couldn't believe I raised such a coward." Kathryn couldn't believe her.

"You didn't raise anybody, mother. I had to raise myself, no wonder I ended up like this." At this, Tiffany threw her daughter another disgusted glance and walked out of the room.

She thought no one would come to see her ever again, but to her surprise Annette showed up a few days later. She was bearing presents, such as flowers and a card from the gift shop. Kathryn was still feeling weak, and she wasn't in the mood to even be a little courteous to Annette.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Kathryn could almost see herself through Annette's blue eyes: thinner than ever, wired up to who knows what machine, bags under her eyes, broken spirit and greenish skin. The true look of a defeated one.

"Sebastian is outside." Annette saw her eyes light up. "This gifts aren't his, they're mine. I just couldn't come in empty handed." She left the flowers and the card on a small table at the side of the room. Kathryn wanted to groan, even when it was the least expected of her, Annette had to be _so_ nice.

"Why didn't he come in?"

"He just realized he doesn't want to see you." The words just slipped out of Annette's mouth, like she didn't even notice, like it wasn't her intention to voice them out loud. "Not yet." She added softly.

"Wow, that was even mean honest, for a suicidal girl like me."

"Kathryn, you're not suicidal, don't expect me to believe that. Sebastian said so himself; you enjoy the killing of others, but never of yourself." Kathryn saw the blonde girl gulp, as if she had just slipped out something again.

"Sebastian said that?" Annette didn't answer, instead walked up and analyzed her medical chart. "You do know that's confidential, don't you?"

"You slashed your wrists, and they just put you out of sedatives. No wonder you look so numb. You should think it is a good thing Sebastian isn't here, he wouldn't recognize you." Kathryn distinguished the tone in which Annette spoke, it was almost spiteful.

"I don't think you understand the nature of my relationship with Sebastian yet, Annette. Not even after reading his journal would anybody understand. He left some things out. It's only he and I that can even begin to comprehend our relationship." Annette smiled.

"He told me everything, Kathryn, from beginning to end. Your first kiss, the letters, the parties, the first time you even spoke. That's not in his journal, but he told me it was non important stuff to even write about." She paused, debating on whether or not to say what she wanted to so badly. "He only used you for literary purposes."

"What's non important here, Annette, is your relationship with him. It won't ever come as close as what Sebastian and I have."

"Really? Because he doesn't even want to see you. I think he's done with you, and he just now figured it out it." It was the first time in her life that Kathryn wanted to resource to physical violence, but the wires were holding her down. Annette must've seen that in her eyes, and left the room quickly without saying another word.

Those were the only visits she ever got while she was getting better in the hospital. Now, as they put her back on rehab, they assigned her a room with no pointy objects or things that could be broken that easily. Just a bed and a chair by her side. All she needed apparently. Her nurse told her she had to attend therapy. By now, a shrink was the least of her problems.

The office she walked inside of was very well lighted, she could see the outside of the building she now lived in, and her eyes could almost reach the city. She sat down in the large couch, looking around. The room was packed with shelves and the books in them. Kathryn felt as if she were in a movie and everyone watching knew she wouldn't come out of her rock bottom.

The shrink walked in. He was young and good looking, he brought with him a limber air. He introduced himself as doctor Josh. Kathryn assumed right away his way of working was making you believe he was your friend and then running around telling all of your secrets.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" He asked her. Wasn't he supposed to know that?

"I don't know, the weather?" Josh chuckled.

"We can talk about it if you want, but I don't know how that'll help you." He smiled charmingly at her. He almost reminded her of an older version of Sebastian, but not quite. He was black haired, curls touching his forehead, green eyes and a not at all somber impression.

"You're right, it won't help me. But I don't need help right now." She was hearing herself, she sounded stubborn and a little unaware of her situation.

"You tried to kill yourself, Kathryn, I think you do." Josh stated. Now she smirked.

"So you want me to tell you why I wanted to die? I don't even know myself, guess it all just became pointless one day." He nodded.

"But you were already admitted because of drug abuse. This place can be depressing, I get it." She got the need to roll her eyes.

"You can't possibly understand, you don't have to try to sleep here while you hear someone go through withdrawal, or someone screaming because they can't do it anymore. It's not that simple." She said, meaning every word.

"So, you're stating it did affect you to be here."

"Of course it did, asshole, it would affect anyone, even the sanest person. But that is not why I slashed my wrists, I'm stronger than that." Josh didn't mind the cursing, even when it was directed to him, he was used to it. He took out a notepad and scribbled something on it. Oh, how Kathryn hated shrinks.

"So then, tell, what _did_ make you slash your wrists? And don't tell me you don't know, something had to go through your mind the moment you decided to do it." She could hear the desperation in his voice, she supposed it wasn't easy to try and get answers from sedated idiots all day long.

"I wasn't thinking of anything at all, I felt numb. I don't even remember pain. I just woke up in a hospital bed and that was it." Josh gulped.

"Was anyone with you when you woke up?" She nodded.

"A couple of nurses checking on my vitals."

"I meant family, friends even." She laughed slightly at this.

"My mom showed up a day later, and a girl I know three days after that." She said.

"Did it make you feel any better to see people you know?"

"No." Kathryn frowned. "It made me feel worse."

Josh cleared his throat. He really did hate cases like this, the girl numb as can be with the occasional outburst and cursing. He thought it would be at least a month until he got any real answers from her. Her background wouldn't help either; he had read her entire file. Rich kid, brought in by drug abuse, family wants it to remain private. And, other than her age, he wasn't surprised by anything.

"How so?" He questioned. Though, he knew, it was a reply he got often from his patients, most of them from dysfunctional families.

There was a silence as he watched Kathryn think about her answer; he could see the calculating gaze she had. That wouldn't help her in therapy, at all.

"I don't know, what do you want me to say?" He sighed.

"Look, Kathryn, we can not talk all month if you want. But that won't help you. I'm getting paid anyway for doing nothing, and believe me when I say that doesn't feel wrong at all. I'm putting my help at your disposal, you just have to take it."

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	2. Chapter 2

She thought about what he said until their next meeting, which was every two days. She didn't like talking to anyone about her problems, but she realized that, if she didn't, they wouldn't let her out of there. And thus, she would never get her life back.

"I've got notice you had an anxiety attack last night. What was that about?" She smiled.

"You really aren't subtle at all, are you?" He smiled back.

"That just isn't the way I work, Kathryn."

"How old are you?" She asked, her eyes on his the entire time.

"Twenty-six." He answered.

"You're young."

"You're younger, almost a decade younger." He pointed. "But that doesn't matter to you, does it?" She frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"That if you wanted to fuck me you would achieve it. Even make me think it was my idea in the first place." She didn't speak, she had been taken by surprise. Josh analyzed her for a second and proceeded to explain. "They gave me the journal, the one you had when you first got here; leather covered and written with an almost unreadable letter. But very well narrated."

"That was private." She almost screamed.

"Don't worry, I didn't read it, not entirely. I read the first two pages or so, which entailed that you always get what you want when you use sex as your weapon. It described you as a real piece of work. I decided not to read it all, I wanted you to tell me about what's on those pages and why is it so important to you." Her heart was beating rapidly. She had stolen the original journal from Annette, she wanted it with her.

"The journal is my step-brother's." She clarified. She saw him chuckle.

"What a fun relationship that must be." She scowled at him. She hated when people made assumptions or even talked about Sebastian and her.

"It was, until a few months back." Kathryn admitted.

"You mean until Sebastian Valmont's accident."

"How do you know about that?"

"He's important, Kathryn. He's the heir to one of the most important companies in the country. And he almost died." He paused. "It was all over the papers." She nodded at this, sometimes she forgot who her mother was married to.

"They made him look like a hero. Saving this poor innocent girl from death." She spoke slowly and calculating.

"Well, isn't he? A hero I mean. Few people would risk their lives like that to save someone else." He pointed.

"The girl he saved was, uh, _is_ his girlfriend. He loves her and would do anything for her." She replied, with the least possible amount of emotion in her voice.

"Huh, I didn't know that." Josh said. Kathryn shrugged.

"Maybe the press wanted to protect Annette's identity. That's her name, by the way." Her face instantly fell as she uttered her name, Josh noticed this.

"You got along with Annette?"

"We never really spoke when Sebastian was pursuing her. I tried to avoid her at all costs, as to not salt his game. We met when Sebastian was in the hospital, in a coma."

"So, you don't really know each other." She shook her head.

"No, I know her. I know girls like her." Josh nodded again, this time writing something into his note pad.

"You said you didn't want to salt Sebastian's game, what did you mean by that?" She smiled at that.

"Oh, we would never actually talk to each other's conquests, that was just something we didn't do." She could see the curiosity in Josh's eyes. "I don't want to talk about Annette anymore."

"Okay, what about Sebastian?" Her heart shrank, where to begin? No, she just couldn't do that today. "Or your mother?"

"What do you want to know about her?" She asked, relieved that he had suggested something as non-important to her as her relationship with her mother.

"I'm only interested in the parts concerning you. How you interact with her."

"My dad left us when I was thirteen for a twenty-one-year-old, they have a daughter now, her name is Lucy. My mother remarried six months later, she got everything from the divorce with my dad too. Even before Nathaniel Valmont demanded all of her time, we weren't close." She paused. "I suppose she was a good enough mother, seeing as, I'm alive."

"Nearly not." Josh said. Kathryn shrugged his words away.

"I understood my mother for a long time. My father leaving was hard on both of us, but she recovered quickly. She found herself a new husband in no time and what she thought would be a family to me."

"Meaning Sebastian?" He asked.

"Yes. For a while nothing I did would be enough for her, until she started to lose interest in me."

"I heard you had a problem with bulimia, was that the cause of it?" She seemed to consider it.

"No, I don't think it was. You see, the society I live in can be very cruel to young girls, and besides, I never really cared what my mom thought of me."

"Not even when Sebastian's journal got out?" She chuckled.

"I was more worried about what everyone else would think. More worried about other things in general." Now she analyzed Josh's face. "You seem very interested in Sebastian's journal today."

"It's just, the words 'my love' at the begging of it caught my attention. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about." She rolled her eyes.

"Everyone in the Upper East Side knows what you're talking about."

"So, will you tell me what he meant by putting those words on top of a picture of you?" Kathryn felt the need to gag, she didn't want to remember that journal anymore.

"Why don't you just read it? This will be over much faster." She urged.

"Because I'm sure the answer I'm looking for won't be there. Only you can give it to me, Kathryn."

"I thought talking to you would aid my mental health, this is doing nothing of the sort." She told him.

"It's a process, Kathryn, a slow but very effective one."

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She still didn't feel like talking about Sebastian by the time she was sitting in front of Josh again. She didn't feel like talking about her life at all.

"Are you married?" She asked him. Josh laughed.

"This isn't twenty questions, Kathryn. I'm sure you know we aren't here to talk about me." He clarified and went back to write some notes.

"So, you aren't married then." His pen stopped writing. "You must have a girlfriend or...a boyfriend?" Josh wanted to groan; Kathryn definitely wasn't an easy patient to deal with, but he liked challenges too.

"I heard about the crucifix they took away from you, quite ingenious I have to admit. Funny how everyone was talking about how detailed Sebastian's entries were, but none of them really told much about that loyal dealer of yours." Kathryn frowned, suspicious.

"Why would you be interested in that?"

"Relax, I won't rat out any friend of yours, I'm just interested in the person who helped your drug addiction grow."

"I don't think you are, though."

"Kathryn, you have to trust that everything you tell me will stay between us two, and this note pad." She snorted.

"Yeah, well, I haven't had a good experience with journals or anything of the sort." Josh nodded.

"Okay, then, don't tell me names, it doesn't matter." Kathryn took a big intake of air and narrowed her eyes to the window, where she could see just how isolated she had become of the place she used to call home.

"His name is Blaine. I think Sebastian didn't write about him because he sensed something like this would happen. And Blaine's kind of his best friend. He would never throw him under the bus." Josh nodded, understanding. "Anyway, Blaine was always secretive about his affairs and I liked that, given that, I didn't want anybody to know I did coke."

"Did you really mind if anyone found out?" Kathryn tried to consider his question honestly.

"Yes, I had a reputation to uphold. Everybody saw me as Ms. Perfect, and I wanted it to stay that way." She said, thinking of how it all had been for nothing now.

"I see, so it was just you and Blaine who knew about your problem."

"You're forgetting about Sebastian." Josh smiled.

"Sure, the words coke problem were there too. Forgot about that." Kathryn raised a skeptical brow at Josh, she didn't believe his act for a second.

"Yeah, sure you did." She threw him a fake smile. Somehow, she was recovering her forces again.

"Did Sebastian ever tried to help you?" Kathryn honestly laughed at this.

"I think you shouldn't ask questions about Sebastian until you've met him. And no, he didn't try to help me. Not once."

"Then tell me about him." He pushed.

"I don't feel ready yet, Dr. Josh." She said harshly as she saw the disappointment in his eyes, he was really diving in deep in her case. He wanted to know all about the journal, but he refused to read it, he wanted Kathryn to tell him instead.

"Fine. Tell me about school, how was it?"

"Hard. I didn't hate it any less than I hate summer." He arched his brows at her, non-believing.

"You cannot hate summer, Kathryn, it's just not possible for a high school student to do that." She laughed at him.

"I'm not just any high school student, we never were." She thought out loud.

"We? Who are you referring to?" She exhaled sharply. Looking at her hair's ends.

"Everyone at Manchester. We were dead inside, it was like going to school with a bunch of crack heads, dealers, alcoholics and whores. We all knew we didn't need an education, we have our futures planed out for us."

"Really? Was this planned out, Kathryn?" He motioned around the room, around her. She supposed he was right, a meltdown right before college applications couldn't be accounted for. Still, she knew she was right, and she knew common people hated to hear privileged kids like her were aware of how lucky they got it.

"I've never been one to follow, truly." At that, Josh laughed slightly.

"No, you're not, Kathryn Merteuil. You've made that pretty clear. I heard you were the one everybody wanted to follow around. Quite the Queen Bee." She shrugged, not very interested.

"I guess you could say that."

"Now, don't be humble, Kathryn. It's just us."

"I never wanted that. I never wanted to set an image for myself so perfect that even I wouldn't be able to deal with it. It got to be too much sometimes. I used to tell Sebastian I wanted to kill myself because of it."

"Then why do it?" He asked simply. But it would never be that easy.

"Because it was too late to backtrack. Sebastian and I always knew when it was too late." She paused. "He used to tell me all the time that he hated how much I cared about what people thought of me. But I always knew that, in the world I live in, a reputation can mean a lot more than the truth."

"Didn't you ever want to escape that? The pressure and the people?" She smiled briefly and then nodded.

"Yes, I thought about it a lot. But then I came into my senses. There's no life without money, doctor. There's no life for me outside of New York." She heard herself saying this, with that oh so sweet voice she always sported around.

"That's your opinion, Kathryn. Does your brother think the same way?" She threw Josh a hateful glance.

" _Step_ -brother. And yes, it was one of the many things we had similar opinions on. He doesn't know any world but the one of the wealthiest, he couldn't live without the money, even if he wanted to." He considered her statement.

"You're not just talking about money, you're talking about _a lot_ of money, like the one you and Sebastian have. Is it interesting to live like this now?" She didn't seem to understand his question.

"Come again?"

"To live here in rehab, with people who couldn't care any less about money and looks and reputations. Talking to people who only see you as a junky in recovery, and not as the perfect lady everyone believed you to be." He gave her a once over, given that she hadn't answered at all. He had gotten to her. "And displaying your legs like that to me, Kathryn, won't get you anywhere. To respond your prior question, yes, I have a boyfriend." He smiled at her.

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 **Please review and tell me if you like what you are reading** **so far. Also fav and follow. Hope you enjoyed.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to the people who have reviewed. I really cannot get enough of Kathryn and Sebastian. So, clearly, this story has a long way to go.**

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She didn't want to see that doctor again, she would do anything to not have to talk to that guy ever again. What kind of a doctor was he anyway? He made her feel like crap, made her feel like all of her problems were nothing. Who knows, maybe all of her problems were nothing.

She sat down in her usual spot anyway, because she had to and because a nurse had pulled her all the way to Josh's office. She had learned that he couldn't be seduced into stop talking, or research about her. She was done with rehab.

But her doctors, and most importantly, her family, didn't think she was ready. Kathryn thought for a moment that maybe Valmont had paid the doctors off to keep her there until Easter, and it was only November.

"I want to try this new method on you, Kathryn. I think it can help a lot." Josh came in with his usual swagger. Kathryn thought that he forgot where he worked at sometimes. Nobody should have that chirpiness around a group of withdrawing idiots.

"What, you tell me everything that's wrong with me and I just sit here and listen?" Josh laughed.

"No but, lets try that out some other time." He said, apparently in a very good mood.

"What's gotten you so chirpy, Josh?" He tried to vanish the smile that crept up on him, it was the first time that Kathryn called him that. It was great she was starting to trust him.

"Oh nothing, I just got some information that you don't." He smirked now. "A person left you a message yesterday, wanted to talk to you over the phone but since you don't have those privileges anymore, just left a message. Short. Very heart warming."

Kathryn was eager to know more, and since he was evidently not going to give her the information she desired, she decided to ask.

"Who?"

"Yes, well, I think you saw this coming, but I'm not going to tell you." He paused. "Yet."

"You don't get to do that." She raged. "That's mine, that message was left for me and what you're doing is illegal. I have a right to my privacy."

"Sweetheart, calm the fuck down. You need to start accepting your reality, you're practically hospitalized. And I get to tell if you're mentally and emotionally ready to talk to relatives, or friends yet, even getting messages. And you're not ready, and won't be for a long time, Kathryn." She was at a loss for words. He was right. "Maybe you'll be better in a week, or a month, or six months, and that's when I'll give you the message myself. You just have to make an effort."

"And what _is_ making an effort for you?"

"You need to be honest with me, Kathryn, not just about Sebastian, but about everything concerning your life, and what made you need the drugs, what made you so toxic, and what really made you try to take your own life."

"That's a lot to ask of me right now, you know that." She told him.

"Yes, and yet I'm still asking, Kathryn. I'm going to have to be honest with you, I see potential in your recovery. When I first met you, I thought you were just another boring rich girl drowning in a glass of water. Those girls aren't complex at all, unlike you. Your story is one that isn't completed yet, and I want to see you get out of here and get over all those troubles and people that put you in here in the first place. You're going to make it, you just have to believe it yourself first. As for the message, it's just a little incentive to warm you up."

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Three weeks passed and Josh and Kathryn had nearly discussed everything, from her childhood to the first time she smoked pot, and someone offered her coke.

Josh had listened quietly to: "I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, never really felt anything." He also didn't say a word through: "I seduced nearly all of my teachers to get good grades through freshmen year, then I realized that there was this thing called studying." And had avoided any eye contact when she said: "I used to fantasize a lot about Cecile's music teacher."

Through all, he had been a pretty good shrink, and even when he had almost heard every story Kathryn would ever tell, the most important one was missing: Sebastian Valmont. He thought it was time to push her about it.

"Did Cecile spoke to you after she read the journal?" She shook her head.

"No, I hardly doubted anyone would. Though, her mom did speak to me; she threatened to sue me. I laughed in her face. What would she sue me for? Making her daughter a slut? That was bound to happen anyway." She sighed. "But I suppose I could've apologized." At this, Josh was at a loss for words. She hadn't said that, ever, even when she was describing her most atrocious deed, she didn't wish she had apologized to the victim. This was a great step.

"Why is Cecile special?" He asked.

"Special? That child is dumb and awkward and sometimes I felt the urge to hit her, but she's not special." He chuckled.

"Well, one would suppose that a fourteen-year-old has the right to be awkward. And I'm inquiring she's special because you want to apologize to her." Kathryn frowned, she _had_ said that.

"Often I found myself forgetting how young she was. How young she still is. Sebastian once asked me if I was sure to keep on playing with her life. He called her an innocent girl, and she is an innocent girl. I was just too intoxicated to see it." Josh considered her words and decided what his plan of attack would be.

"So, Sebastian does have a conscience after all." He commented, almost casually.

"He likes to think so." She replied. "But only because of Annette; before she even posted her virgin manifesto, he saw having a conscience as a weakness." He raised an eyebrow.

"Virgin manifesto?" He questioned, very unaware of what she was talking about.

"She's miss seventeen magazine. She wrote two pages of why she planned to wait until marriage and true love to have sex." He hummed his approval.

"So, her relationship with Valmont is..." she frowned and then laughed, realizing what he meant.

"No, no, they have sex. Sebastian can't go two days without fucking someone, even while trying to get Annette in bed, he had Cecile to tend to." He nodded, understanding.

"So, your brother deflowered someone who recently had published a text about her virtue and her many reasons to remain celibate?" He had to admit it, the guy was something. Even while he thought both Kathryn and Sebastian were in need of daily visits to therapy. Sebastian had achieved something great...but wrong.

"Yes, but first of all, he's my step-brother. Second, he didn't just fuck her, he fell in love with her." Josh thought he heard annoyance in her voice, that was something to dig into.

"I have two very important questions about that last statement, Kathryn." He told her.

"Ask away."

"Why do you care so much about making the distinction between brother and step-brother?" He saw her think thoroughly. Josh wasn't sure she was going to answer honestly, but he supposed that any answer would suffice by now.

"I've never seen him as a brother, or a relative. We met in elementary school. I've known him longer than I've been related to him. He was always Sebastian Valmont, the one guy in class every girl wanted, and suddenly he had to be my brother. I think we can't see each other that way, not after everything." She finished. Josh was about to ask, but thought better of it, he wasn't going to push more than he had to. This was a first, she had given him something about Sebastian, however small, it mattered.

"Okay, I understand, I'll make a note as to not screw that up again." She smiled at him. "And now, my other question: does it bother you that Sebastian showed feelings for Annette when he didn't have to?" To this question, she answered quickly.

"Sure. She messed up our routine, she messed up the way I had my life organized. But Sebastian was the one who blew everything, anyway. So why get mad at Annette? He was the one to blame from the beginning."

"Was he really?"

"Yes. He was the one who kissed me first, he was the one who brought sex into the table and he was the one who introduced that Kansas weirdo into our lives." She said, for the first time out loud to anyone else.

"Huh, I thought-"

"Valmont and I never fucked, if that was what you were going to ask, but we came damn near to do it plenty of times. I'm sure I know what you're thinking, Josh, that he and I must be even sicker than you thought we were." He smirked at her.

"Well, it doesn't surprise me, he did put the words 'my love' for you in his now very public journal. Still, I didn't think it went beyond control games." He confessed.

"This past year, maybe your guess would've been right. But before that, it was all different." Her eyes were gone, to another time and another memory when she could truly smile.

"How so?" She took a deep breath, and decided it was time to at least tell the beginning of their history.

"This is going to take a couple of sessions." His smile couldn't be wider.

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 **Review, tell me what you think. It really helps.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Another chapter. This is one of the stories I've had the most fun writing. Of course. I haven't finished it all but is coming along quite nicely.**

 **Well, enjoy.**

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"The first time I saw him, well, what can I say, he was always gorgeous. I was six, he was seven, I think. Sebastian was already a year behind, I don't know what stupid thing he had done at that age. It doesn't matter. Our parents used to forget about us constantly, so we were the last two at school by the time they even had time to send a car for us. Separately, of course, our parents hadn't even met by then, maybe they were still happy in other marriages. As time passed, we began to speak and play games together and hold hands. Sure that, all of that stopped after a while, we were kids after all. I'm not sure that Sebastian remembers it to this day." She wondered.

"Would it be important to you if he did?" She shrugged.

"I don't think so. Anyway, when I was twelve, maybe a year before our parents' union, some girl had a birthday party and we both attended. We talked again, he had developed that killing charm he has and was using it on me. I didn't fall for it, I have always been made of ice and steal, since I can remember."

"I assume you weren't always like that with him after?" She shook her head no, there was no denying that she had grown to be soft around him.

"You would assume right. Anyhow, he stepped out of the party, at thirteen, and lighted a cigarette outside that girl's townhouse. I stepped out too, he was always good at getting attention without seemingly trying. He was minding his own business, but he was always so popular everywhere he went. Everyone thought that because he was a year older, he knew so much more of the world." She chuckled. "Maybe he did, at that age. I wanted to be like him, to be with him, to have all eyes on me and that spotlight he carried around carelessly."

"So, you had a crush on him?" She rolled her eyes.

"Only briefly."

"Were you mad to hear your parents' plans?" He asked.

"No, I was already mad about my dad leaving, and I didn't have any space for any middle school crush becoming my brother drama." She replied.

"Step-brother." Josh clarified for her. Kathryn smirked at him.

"Right. Still, when my mom and I moved into the Valmont house, he wasn't there, I think he was off to some summer camp for troubled kids or something like that. When he came back, he didn't seem the least bit surprised or caught off guard; he was used to having strangers inside his house, mostly because his father had spent the last seven years single."

"What happened to his mom?"

"She died of a badly performed cosmetic surgery. Or maybe because of too many of them? I don't remember anymore; he doesn't like to talk about it." Josh nodded, deciding to leave that topic aside. He could tell Kathryn didn't feel comfortable voicing someone else's private stuff. No, _Sebastian's._

"Well, then, go on." He urged.

"When he found out my room would be right across from his he didn't hide his happiness. Over the years, that happiness has been for solely different reasons; first it was pranking, then it was peaking, and then just speaking."

"Wow, having to go through puberty with your crush literally next door. What a nightmare." He said sarcastically.

"No, he wasn't my crush anymore. I got to know him better than anyone, Josh. I didn't see perfection in him, actually, I saw him as a disaster walking. You can't crush on someone like that." She said. "It was something else, what I felt for him."

"Okay, when did the playing start?"

"Almost three years ago. It involved a guy named Hunter and his childhood sweetheart." She smirked. "We didn't know we were playing, we just wanted revenge. Well, I did; Sebastian just did it for fun, I suppose. That was why he did almost everything."

"You said before that there was a time when it wasn't all games with you two. What else was there?"

"I don't know. There was just something else, we weren't as focused in schemes. I think, maybe, we were building our relationship. We used to spend all our free time together, given that the company of the other was the only one we could bare." She explained.

"So, the both of you didn't have any friends?" He asked, and strangely enough, because he was talking about one of the most popular girls in Manhattan, and her even more known brother.

"You make it sound so sad, Josh. But it wasn't like that. I had a bunch of friends, only, being with them more than an hour at a time made me want to kill myself. And Sebastian, well, aside from Blaine, he spent most of his time stealing some guy's girlfriend. Nobody wants a friend who's banging your girl on the side, and still everyone at school treated him like some god." She concluded.

"I see. So, Sebastian is quite the player, huh?" She smirked and rolled her eyes at him, hadn't that become obvious?

"If you would call him that. I would call him a bored child with a god complex." She snickered.

"But you liked that of him, didn't you?" She pursed her lips. Huh, she supposed she did.

"Sometimes, he matched my own superiority complex." She admitted.

"Tell me more." She sighed.

"When I was fifteen, we started going to parties together. We wouldn't come back until midday of the next day. We used to walk around the streets in the morning, looking baffled. I think of it now, we looked ridiculous; my dress all messed up, heels on one hand and makeup banished. He was worse sometimes, through the night he had lost his blazer and his tie, and some girl had ripped his shirt off, he was left with no buttons. We had to get home that way." She smiled at that. Those walks at eight in the morning were her favorites. It was when her image and her reputation suddenly weren't such a big deal.

"Didn't your parents ever told you something about getting home like that?"

"No, they're always on some trip to who knows where. They would spend a day in New York every other month and then they were gone."

"Well, they're spending a lot of time here now." She nodded.

"Sebastian's accident and the public scandal of his journal. Their supposedly perfect daughter in rehab." She shrugged. "We're getting an awful lot of attention in page six, they would hate to miss it."

"How do you think Sebastian feels about the attention? I mean, he's the one that has to deal with them every day." She considered it for a while, she hadn't had time to think of the hell Sebastian must be living in. _Poor unlucky bastard_.

"Like I said, he's always been good at handling attention. And he has Annette with him, I guess he has it under control."

"Are you still mad about the whole Annette situation?" Josh asked intently.

"I'm not sure anymore. The only thing that makes me constantly angry is her part in the journal thing." She paused. "I don't mind it going public, I really don't care; there was a time when Sebastian and I planned on doing the exact same thing."

"With the journal?"

"No, with _us._ " Josh frowned, extremely curious now. "It just makes me angry that the last entry was devoted to his love for Annette is all." She had the need to groan. "One would think that after all these years I would deserve a better ending. I just got the word _bitch_."

"Did he ever let you read it?"

"No, it was his most treasured possession. He never let it out of his sight and made sure it was always out of my reach. And I'm going to be honest here, he was careless sometimes and I would have had the opportunity to read it, but I never did. I always thought he would trust me enough one day and give it to me himself. Obviously, that day never came."

"I will let myself assume that hurt you more than you led on."

"No, don't assume anything yet; not when it involves Sebastian."

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 **Review, and tell me what you think. Also, to _CamicamiCat_ , I expect you keep enjoying this story. Thank you so much for your reviews.**


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